I Am Santana Lopez
by PezberryIsMyOTP
Summary: She is vain. She is selfish. She is disgusting. She's Santana Lopez. Slight: Britana/Pucktana/Quinntana. Main: Pezberry.


I am vain.

I am selfish.

I am disgusting.

I am Santana Lopez.

_I Am Vain_

I walked down the halls, remembering everyone I had hurt over the past year.

Brittany. Brittany, Puck and Quinn.

I had hurt them the most.

* * *

Brittany in all her innocence, she had trusted me with her life.

And I stole away what little she had.

"I love you, San."

I had walked away from her that night, she tried to run after me, and I turned on her.

"Do you really think I like you? We're friends with benefits. Nothing more. You. Are. A. Sex. Toy. No one. And I repeat no one is good enough for Santana FUCKING Lopez. Ok? Can you understand that? Or is your small, stupid brain not comprehending it?"

I walked away from her that night, and when she tried to talk to me the next day, I ripped away the last bit of her sanity.

"San-"

"Coming back again, Brittany? Like a little lost puppy. That makes sense, you know? You being a puppy. Since you always come _crawling _back."

Now that I think about it, I was vain back then. I assumed I was so much better then anyone else, and that no one deserved me. That they were all cheap fucks. Something I could throw away. But Brittany was like the flu, you could never really shake her. She kept coming back.

I couldn't stand that.

I was vain back then. I can't say I'm humble now, but I'm getting better.

* * *

_I Am Selfish_

Puck.

Puck was my friend ever since we were little. Since diapers really. I lost my virginity to him, and was proud of it. But he didn't lose his to me. I stole it from him. I told him Quinn would never want him, that I was the best he could do. Which was good, because I was better. And he believed me, the boy would jump off a cliff if I told him to. Or. He would've.

So I stole his virginity.

He wasn't happy, and tried to confront me, and I treated him like garbage.

"Quinn would never want you. I don't want you. I just had sex with you because I could. Because I could steal away your virginity and you just sat there and let me. Remember that crush you used to have on me? Good times." I had snarled the last part, because I broke his heart back then. And then I broke his heart again. But unlike Brittany, Puck never came all the way back. He would hang out by the sidelines, watching until I called out to him. Then he would rush over, thinking I needed him.

Puck was kind of like a diet. It works for you, then you toss it away until you need it again. And it just does the same thing, again and again. Because that's it's job. To make you feel good about yourself.

And when Puck moved on, I tore him away from whoever he loved, and then tore him apart.

I destroyed him, because I could. Because I didn't want him, and didn't want him to want anyone else but me.

I was selfish back then. I can't say I'm selfless now, but I'm getting better.

* * *

_I Am Disgusting_

Quinn.

When Quinn was broken, I became her glue. I let her believe I needed her, and made her need me. And then, when she needed me most, I left her. Told her she made me look bad, and left her in a ditch. It was as though I had witnessed somebody kill Quinn's family, stopped them before they killed her, just to finish the job. She wanted answers, and I just left her with more questions.

"What do you want, Lucy? Did you think I loved you? That I wanted you? You were bootycall, nothing more then a dirty dish rag. You were, and are nothing."

I made her feel like garbage, and laughed when she had no one to turn to. Quinn didn't have walls, I was her wall. Her rock, her everything. Because Quinn was like a bowl, she absorbed a lot. But needed something to pour her troubles into before she overflowed. I took half of the load off of her, letting it pile up on me. Just to dump it back on her.

I was disgusting back then. I can't say I'm appealing now, but I'm getting better.

* * *

_I Am Santana Lopez_

I told Rachel, I was bad luck, nothing she needed at the time. That I would cause problems. But she's stubborn, and she stays by me. I try to hold back my anger, but I unleash it. Verbally, emotionally. And when it comes to walls, physically. Rachel said I was a cookie. Hard on the outside sometimes, soft and gooey on the inside and easy to break. I guess she's right. She also says that I'm unlike a cookie, because I won't sit back and let myself break. I would break whoever tried to break me first. She said I wore a costume, not just a mask. That my walls were sky high. No one but me could break them. But people tried, and when they did, I would push my walls. And crush them.

"Rachel, you're crazy. You're crazy to think that. You're crazy short. You're crazy to love me and stay with me even though you know I'll hurt you. You're crazy. You are fucking Lopez family crazy."

She just responded by saying that was her way of saying she was ready to join the family.

She was Rachel Barbra Berry back then. She's Rachel Barbra Lopez now. I can't say it's an improvment. But she's making me better.


End file.
